Welcome, to Trollop Fest 2001!
(a.k.a., A Tale of Four "TIMMAES!")
Unfortunately, not all of the Trollops could attend the 2001 Conference, but we will strive for a better date in 2002.

Date: Friday, April 6, 2001
Place: San Francisco Airport, US Airways Baggage Claim, "Oversized Baggage"
Expected Time: varying, Sarah - oh-dark-hundred a.m., Laurie - 10:30 a.m., Kay & Steph - approximately 12:15 p.m. on dueling planes from the east coast

Reality: Kay found Sarah at US Airways ("DOH!!!!!"), and discovered that Laurie's flight had been CANCELLED. After a bit we found Steph (or rather, she found us, following the shrieks of laughter as she came down the escalator) and we set off for the American Airlines terminal to look for Laurie.

"Laurie is a VECTOR with a single eyestalk!" - Sarah, re: LJJ's cancelled flight
"Laurie is having an Out of Budgie experience." - Kay
"Funny, without visual!" - Steph, re: hearing Sarah & Kay on approach
"Paging Kitty Trout, Bottom-Feeder." - on speaker in airport (well, not the Bottom Feeder part)

We walked through the endless parking garage to the American terminal, past the VERY disturbing animal mural hallway. Wow. The next possible AA flight from Orange County wasn't for at least an hour and Kay was beginning to gnaw on random woodwork to relieve hunger pains. We decided to go to one of the restaurants to get a bite.

"That is one HOT vegetarian." - Steph, re: description of sandwich AND magenta haired guy eating same at nearby table.
"Flaccidity - where do you go from there?" "HOME!" - Steph, re: her drooping sandwich, plus added peanut gallery retort.
Revisting our planned Wine Country B&B, the "Sweaty Swan", with the Pub & Lounge, "Wings Akimbo" - chorus
"Laurie is the Goddess of Chaos" - Sarah

After lunch we bought "treats" for Laurie because we knew she would be quite the skinny budgie by the time we found her. We found a wind-up crab, bizarro sunglasses and a small jar of glow-in-the-dark goo. We determined that she must be on the 2:30 flight from OC and went to the gate - lo and behold, she arrived!

We retrieved Laurie's luggage and took the bus over to the Hertz car pick-up. Kay drove, Laurie was navi-guesser, and Sarah and Steph provided mood comments from the back seat. Such as:

"It's a rental and I'm from out of state." - Kay, waving the rental agreement for the benefit of drivers in other lanes
"Moon Pie Over Boise" - Steph, just because
"Glowing Goo in the T-I-N-Y P-A-A-A-N-T-S - Buhhhhhhh!" - Sarah
"Pick away, Steph!" - Sarah, catching Steph trying to listen to her secreted tape player, but thinking she was picking her nose
"She's got Laser Glades on her toes." - Steph trying to say she had razor blades
"BLOW - Now Hiring" - sign outside movie theatre

Our hotel was the Doubletree off of Highway 101, just south of Santa Rosa. Very nice hotel with a big room with two double beds. We stowed our stuff and decided to go into Santa Rosa for dinner. We parked the car and began walking around. We found the House of Humor store and stopped in - omigawd. We spent some quality time there looking at the "leaping genitalia" and the "Active Monkey." After much hysteria, we continued walking until we found a brew pub for dinner. Steph also admitted that she had been taping our conversations all day - unfortunately, most of it consisted of us all talking at once and then squealing with laughter.

How to tell an authentic Chinese restaurant: "Year of Snake Happy Joy Restaurant" - Steph!
"Do you have any more of that Hot Rubberized Crack Filler?" - Kay re: sign in window in Santa Rosa
"Men should be Crane Flies: No mouth parts - they just have to mate and die." - LJJ
"Item #12: Does not display recently removed nose hairs." - LJJ re: Good points to look for in a man, and Muffin's habit of showing off his nose hair trophies to Sarah

We went back to the hotel after dinner and shared a bottle of wine in the lobby. The discussion turned into a rather serious talk of the state of the educational system in the states. Luckily the wine took over eventually and we gave up and went to bed.

The next morning we got up, went downstairs to have breakfast (yum!) and hit the road early. We went to the Wine Information Center behind the hotel and got some maps, etc.

"You look great, Kay. But you're going to be cold" - Sarah, re: her dream of Kay being a Solid Gold Dancer
"FUZZNUTS." - Sarah

First stop: Matanzas Creek. We paid the $5 tasting charge and tried their Sauvignon Blanc, Chardonnay and Merlot. They will be coming out with a Cabernet Sauvignon within the next couple of years. The young woman in charge of the tasting room was very professional: Megan Rhodes, and we enjoyed the place and the wines.

"Have fun storming the castle." - Megan Rhodes, Matanzas Creek
"Let them drink pork!" - Kay

Second Stop: Kenwood. The tasting room is being redone, and should be a nicer place when it's finished. We had nice tasting room staff and all tried several wines. Good Artist's Series Reserve Cabernet.

Third Stop: B.R Cohn. Bruce Cohn is the manager of the Doobie Brothers and the tasting room has gold and platinum records on the walls. There was a busload of Brazilian tourists that had just gotten there when we arrived - luckily they didn't stay long.

"I met him, he was cute, he had a package, so I married him." Sarah about "Muffin", as announced to BR Cohn tasting staff, who were politely bemused.
"It's demi-noon!" - Steph
"Tiny Buttfloss..." - chorus, referencing LJJ's undies, to the tune of Tiny Bubbles
"I can't feel my face." - Poink, poink, poink - Sarah
Fembot - what LJJ becomes at food depletion and/or crudgie stage

We stopped at a Mexican restaurant in Somona for lunch. The food was good - and huge! Sarah's burrito was the size of a Volkswagon. After lunch, Laurie gave us presents: sunglasses designed as a pair of martini glasses! Oh my!

Fourth Stop: Ravenswood. It was pretty crowded, but we shoved our way up to the counter. The tasting staff loved our glasses. Steph tried to trollop a poor unsuspecting man at the counter (see photo) - unfortunately his wife and kid showed up shortly thereafter. Actually they showed up as Kay was trying to take the photo and she had to push the poor woman out of the way.

Fifth Stop: Viansa. Beautiful winery and gourmet shop in southern Sonoma valley. Sarah, Steph and Laurie tasted the wines and Kay bought some yummy food goodies.

Sixth Stop: Gloria Ferrar Champagne Cellars. The Brazilians are here! They had a jeraboam of champagne (a bottle that holds 4 regular sized bottles of wine) out on the patio and got pretty trashed. Steph trolloped yet another poor schmuck - the tasting room dude who trotted out some of his best English Lit lines for her.

"We have concluded our broadcast day." - Steph or Sarah??

We had decided last year that champagne was made from pork (or at least that's what we started telling people at Domaine Chandon when the tour guide didn't show up). We discovered, however, that only applies in Napa Valley because:

"Sonoma Champagne is made from TIMMAE!!" - Kay & all
"Sonoma Champagne is made from crippled boys in wheelchairs?!" - Sarah!

The "Timmae" comments continued the rest of the day, much to the chagrin of anyone around us. Since our trunk was full (photo) we went back to the hotel to rest up and get changed for dinner. Steph gave us each a stainless steel waiter's corkscrew with "T-Fest 2001" engraved on one side and "Blorg" on the other. Perfect! Laurie gave each of us one of her Christmas ornament horses - lovely! She also brought out some of her Norwegian recipe books (doesn't everyone travel with those?) - very disturbing.

Laurie and Kay tried to go to the pool/jacuzzi, but it was closed, so we all got prettied up and went downstairs for a drink - just what we needed: more wine! Laurie was wearing her "hair" - her clip-on pony tail - it looks really good on her. We made reservations at a restaurant in Santa Rosa called Mistral - very good.

"Ploosh, ploosh, ploosh", Laurie's Hydro-powered bra, as we felt her up.
"They taste like low tide...." - Sarah re: mussels (& other things)

Homewreckers' Anonymous
"Hi, my name is Kay and I'm a Homewrecker."
"Hi Kay."
HWA 12-Step Program:
1. Stop it
2. Stop it
3. Stop it

"Where's your monkey?" Laurie to the waiter at Mistral, when he was grinding the cheese
"It's like waving a bat in a cave." - Sarah (ref: "Two fingers")
"Dick away, Steph." - (What does that MEAN?!)
"Was I in bed with you or with you??" - Steph to Laurie AND Sarah
"You LADIES are a class act." Waiter at Mistral (RIGHT!)
"Don't make me stop this restaurant." - Kay (channeling Ren)