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Updated: 01/07/03

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Tuesday, 07 January, 2003

Before we launch into tonight's Chinese Zodiac animals, here's a little amusement for you. It's called, The 213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to Do in the US Army. The note at the bottom says: "Yes, all this *really* happened! No, SKIPPY didn't do all of this, but it was all stuff he's been cautioned against doing at one point or another, even if someone else did it and command turned around and told him not to, just in case." Here are a couple of my favorites:

My proper military title is 'Specialist Schwarz' not 'Princess Anastasia'.

Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.

Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.

(Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.

Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.

An order to 'Make my Boots black and shiny' does not involve electrical tape.

'To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.

"Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is *not* a cadence.

If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

[Actually, that last one reminds me of someone I used to work with. Tall, blond Aryan-youth . . .]

Time for the fake Chinese Zodiac signs du jour:

Year of the Ox
Years: 1925 1937 1949 1961 1973 1985 1997

People born in the Year of the Ox are patient, speak little, and inspire confidence in others. They tend, however, to be eccentric, and big-toed - oops, I mean bigoted - and they anger easily, especially when one waves a red cape and yells, "Toro" at them. They have fierce tempers and although they speak little, when they do they are quite eloquent. "Moo. Moo. MOOOOOO!" They can be too demanding, as well as stubborn, and have a bit of a self-esteem issue as a result of frequent taunting by the Tiger. Methodical and good with their hands, they are said to make fine surgeons and hairdressers, although I gotta tell you, I don't think I want my hair cut by someone with hooves.

Year of the Tiger
Years: 1926 1938 1950 1962 1974 1986 1998

Tigers are said to be bold and adventurous, and are bestowed with initiative and charm. However, they have a tendency to be risk takers, making them act before they think about the consequences. They tend to make good bosses, explorers or racing drivers. Tigers have a cunning wit and sharp claws. Or is that a sharp wit and cunning claws? I don't know - I think if faced with a Tiger, I would probably just run anyway. Tigers are the pinnacle of fashion sense. I mean, just look at them with those bold, daring stripes - much, much flashier than the Ox or the Sheep. No wonder the Ox and the Sheep have such a hard time socially, always following in the shadow of the Tiger. "Kill, kill," they say!

[Eenie, Meenie, Mynie, Moe . . . ]

~ ~ ~

Quote du jour:

"A tiger does not have to proclaim its tigritude."

-- Nigerian Proverb

"If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?"

-- Seymour Cray (1925-1996)
father of supercomputing

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