Are you "him"? Are you "he"? Can you tell the difference? And more importantly, can we?

The now legendary Trollops are seeking a Cabana Boy to escort them on their 2005 tour of we're-not-sure-yet-but-it-will-involve-wine. Are you man enough? Are you crazy enough? Then read on...

JOB DESCRIPTION

The 2005 T-Fest Cabana Boy's responsibilities include:

- being designated driver for all sojourns during Tfest 2005 - assisting with the heavy lifting (notably of wine)
- responding to banter in kind
- injecting additional humor into the proceedings as appropriate
- offering pithy and erudite commentary as necessary
- providing a calming influence as necessary [and it often *is* necessary]

SKILLS AND QUALIFICATIONS

- detailed knowledge and comprehension of the following:

Monty Python (complete works thereof)
Ren and Stimpy
Caddyshack
The Great Race
South Park (particulary those episodes related to TIMMAE)
MST3K (especially Manos)
Kids in the Hall
Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
Emo Phillips
Red Green
Fletch
Airplane

[No, really, it's just for your own sanity. Otherwise you'll just have to sit there and laugh along, pretending to be "in" on the joke, while all along you're just faking it. Right Steph?]

- ability to be verbally humorous for long periods of time without hogging the limelight
- knowledge of the genesis of Champagne (the truth, not that French propaganda)
- absence of prudishness
- infinite patience
- clean driving record
- good navigational skills
- no felony convictions (at least recently)

BENEFITS

- Personal hotel room accommodations and all meals provided
- The joy of Trollop company in all its glory [see this year's trip to Sonoma]
- Stories to dine out on for a whole year

TO QUALIFY:

The essay must:

A. be no more than 500 words long.
B. be free of any grammar, spelling, or punctuation. Errors! I meant errors!
C. must, in a humorous and thoughtful way, do three things:

- Describe how the candidate best embodies the spirit of T-Fest Cabana Boy 2005.
- Justify the existence of mimes.
- Convince the judging panel that the candidate will make them feel a) young, b) beautiful, c) wildly intelligent, and d) amused at all (well, most) times.

For full credit, the essay should also respond to either of the following:

- The social history of cabana boys in a cross-cultural context
- Why two Rens do not equal one Stimpy

Step Two: The Purely Decorative

Swimsuit and Evening dress competition.

For both competitions, submit photos for consideration. Swimsuit and evening dress optional. Subject in photo need not be the candidate.

Step Three: Talent

Open to interpretation.

TO APPLY:

Enclose your entire submission in a plain brown wrapper and send it to:

I Want To Be Your Cabana Boy
Fourth Door from the Corner
Trollop Central (Suite 2005)
Boston, Mass
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